Girlfriends part two May 16, 2013

One of my fair readers commented on my blog about girlfriends saying that she wants friends; at this point she relies on her husband to be her best.  Now, don’t get me wrong, my husband is my best friend.  That man has been my support, my comedic relief, my endless ear.  Yet, by having girlfriends I have saved him from the very worst of my mood swings, endless chatter, and mothering frustrations.  I can vent to girlfriends and then share what I have learned with him.

But how do you meet women friends?  When my son was born I was all alone at home, my mom, aunt, cousins and sister living in various states, and was the first of my married friends to reproduce.  It was lonely.  And it was summertime- so also miserably hot.  Then, through the guidance of a mutual friend, I stalked a girl who had a daughter the same age as my son, desperate to have just one friend.

Thankfully she felt the same.  We bonded quickly, me pushing the friendship and her allowing me to yank her in.  After that, I no longer reeked of desperation and I was able to make friends easily.

Put yourself out there.  Go to the library kid’s room and joke with fellow mothers.  Hang out at the park and ask the age old pick up line, “Oh! She is so cute, how old is she?”  If the mom stars chatting, you are in.  But while you are flirting, WATCH your kid.  Nothing scares off a potential BFF then the idea they might have to mom your children too.

Look for Mom’s groups online- meetup.com is a great place to find local meetings.  Go.  Go back (unless they were freaky and scared you off.) Keep going.  Some moms don’t go every time, so it might take just getting out there.  In my experience, moms out in public like to chat with other moms.  They are receptive to conversation.

If you have older kids, go to PTA meetings or linger at the other school events.  Smile, even if you are shy.  Drop off your kids at school and say hi to familiar faces.  Over time you will chat.

Now, putting yourself out there is good business, but you also have to be cautious.  Do not go too hot and heavy too fast.  Never ask for a number the first time you meet a mom. You will scare her off.  Go back to the park around the same time again and hopefully you will see her again.  Keep it casual.  Keep getting out to mom friendly places and you will notice that the same moms come time and time again.  Those are the ones looking for company.

Good luck, be patient and get yourself out there!

Girlfriends May 15, 2013

Women need women.  I think I have said it before, but once is never enough with such critical information.  As a mother, my relationships with other women have saved my sanity on more than one occasion, allowed me to cry without having to solve my problems, made me laugh when it couldn’t get any worse, and helped me to live outside of my comfort zone.  All of my female relationships make me who I am.

Years ago, after my second was born, I made a myspace account.  Somehow, that took me down the rabbit hole of myspace groups, where miserable people rip each other to shreds in what they call a “debate” group.  Somehow, amidst the cruelty, I made friends with a group of girls that I now think of as family, as soul sisters.  We have spent years discussing our lives through the internet and over the phone.  We are all different, but have some core similarities that formed a bond unlike anything I have ever experienced.  Unfortunately, we all live across the states.

Several years ago, we started a yearly get together.  Sometimes with kids, sometimes without.  A few of the husbands have even suffered through this non-stop chatter weekend.  Last year, we met in San Diego with only one new baby in tow, the year before we met in my neck of the woods, kid free, and stayed at the beautiful resort my husband worked for.

This weekend we are meeting in VEGAS without kids!  We are all so goofy-excited, making predictions, packing and repacking, counting down the hours.  This time is all I need to regroup, refocus and let loose.  (But in a totally respectful non-hangover fashion.)  I feel so lucky to have these women in my life that understand me, drive me nuts, make me laugh and support me.  They, amongst my other amazing girlfriends, keep life A-OK.

So, cheers to girlfriends.  Hold on to them.  Hug them.  Love them.

Author Review: Billie Letts May 14, 2013

As I have said before, I am totally a Readie-McReaderson.   My favorite pastime is curling up in bed with a wonderful story and be carried away by emotion.  I like all kinds of books, from so-called chick lit, to haunting stories of survival.  But, I also have pet peeves that will quickly make me stop reading a book to prevent me from tossing it across the room in fury.  (This is why I am not allowed to have a e-reader.  I have been known to throw many books.) For instance, if the author has a ten-cent dictionary word that they use more than twice in the chapter, all I can think is: wow, neat, you learned a new word.  I read a novel a few years ago that the author kept using the word malevolent.   Like, every other page.  I get it.  It’s baaaaaad.  Now find another word, thanks.

So, to mix up this blog a little and keep myself in topics, I decided to do some book reviews and/or author reviews occasionally.  Don’t worry, reader, I will keep writing mostly about my silly family.

Today’s installment is about an author named Billie Leets.  She wrote the book “Where the Heart Is,” which became a movie.  She has also published several other novels, and a few months ago I read, “Shoot the Moon,” and “Welcome to the Honk and Holler Café.”

What I love about her writing is it is not pretentious.  She has a particular theme, that of a ragamuffin group of people all bonding together for whatever reason to become a heart family.  The characters all have depressing back-stories, but by coming together they heal the past wounds.  Sounds cheesy, I know, but she writes in such a down-home sweet manner you can’t help but root for all the characters.  She doesn’t over-tell the story or pepper it with excessive adjectives; it is simply a comfortable, entertaining read.

Most of her books take place in Oklahoma, typically mixing a cast of Native American and Caucasian characters.  And she always sticks it to the bad guy in the most delicious ways.  I appreciate that.

My favorite was, “The Honk and Holler Café,” Since most of the book took place in the greasy spoon café, I was able to sit at the bar, with some burnt coffee, and watch everything unfold.

I want it and I want it NOW! May 13, 2013

Raising kids in this mega-expensive technology filled world is HARD.  Seriously hard.  I mean, my 11 year old is already asking for his own cell phone and ipod.  We typically have to say no.  For many reasons, only some of which is financial.  I think expensive electronics are a responsibility, one that is earned through helpfulness and care of your current possessions.  I also think that jealousy and want are emotions that are natural and normal and have to be worked through, not pacified with stuff.

So, for his birthday he requested an ipod touch.  We told him that it wasn’t in the budget to buy that and throw a party- he had to choose.  He chose to have a party, which I am grateful for, human contact is so much more important.  He ended up getting lots of gifts of money, so a few days after his party he began researching the ipod online, and pricing them new and used.  He found some offered on ebay that he could afford with his birthday funds.  Then he asked me to help him bid.

He won a 2^nd generation, paid for it and then continued to do research online to find all kinds of cool free apps to put on it once he received it.  He even had enough money left over to buy an itunes card for himself.

I would love to be in a position that my kid’s childhood could be filled with spur of the moment trips to Disneyland or purchasing the latest and greatest things, but we are not and that is totally OK.  Waiting for things, budging for goals, saying no- it all builds character and helps them recognize that material items are not a right, they are a privilege.

 

Ode to The Mamas May 12, 2013

I did not learn to parent in a vacuum, my instincts and methods were cultivated through years of watching beautiful, strong women take on the challenge of raising humans.

I am so very grateful for all of the women who I have learned from, first and foremost my own mom.   My mom is amazing.  She taught me kindness and tolerance for other humans.  She taught me to be strong and to never stop learning.  She taught me to love, hard and long, and fight for people.  She taught me to think and listen to my instincts.  She taught me to have confidence, through having confidence in me.  I watched her open her heart and arms to so many people in need over the years, without a second thought.  She is kindness.

When I was a teenager our relationship, as any mother and daughter relationship, had its ups and downs.  I was a very difficult, short tempered, dramatic teenager and when I pulled away, she gave me enough space to not resent her, but not so much I would end up a victim of my own teenage stupidity.  Even then, even when I was lying to her and throwing tantrums, she still trusted me.  She knew deep down, I would always do the right thing.  And being trusted, made me not want to disappoint her.  It wasn’t manipulative, it just was.

Now, as an adult, as a mother myself, my mom still wants me to make my own decisions because she knows I will find the right path.  Having someone have so much faith in me inspires me.  It challenges me.  It makes me want to be amazing, just like her.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom.

My aunt is another inspiration to me.  I look at my cousins, younger than me, but adults themselves and see the success they have had in finding love, in living their lives and in being good people, I know that she raised them with just the right mixture of love and security.  As an aunt she is fabulous, trustworthy and available, but as a mom, she is absolute greatness.

Happy Mother’s Day, Auntie Rob.

So many other women have touched my heart over the years with instinctive, compassionate parenting.  They have all taught me something that will forever affect the way my children are raised.  From Sara, my first and dearest mommy companion who taught me to relax and just let the kids be kids, to Lora and Andrea who fight every day for their boys to live a typical life.  You are all beautiful.  You are all amazing.  I love you guys.

Happy Mother’s Day to Sara, Keeks, Reggie, Melissa, Kari, Jode, Tiff, Jenny, Christine, Andrea and Lora and all of the other moms out there.  Moms rock. 

OH and Jess and Khadijih: I can’t wait to add you to my list.  Muhahahahahahaha. 

Run, Gravyhonk, Run May 11, 2013

Last weekend, I participated in my first ever race.  It was a 5K mud run with obstacles and ZOMBIES!  One of my best girlfriends invited me to go and, for years now, I have wanted to do a race, but I always talk myself out of it.  I am not quite fit enough yet, I am scared, I don’t want to embarrass myself…the list of I couldn’t possibly goes on and on.  But, when my friend called and sweetened the pot with mud and Zombies, I said, “Screw pride, let’s do it.”

A few days before the big day, I started to panic.   I was afraid I would hurt myself or worse, die.   I no longer cared about looking foolish, now I cared about surviving more than just Zombies chasing me.  The race was taking place in Phoenix, south of me and the temperatures were already in the 100’s.  Let me just share:  I am part vampire.  Hahaha, not, but close.  I am a very fair skinned redhead that burns within MINUTES of being outside without protection.  Sunscreen needs to be applied liberally and often.  And even with sunscreen, I get sun-sick super-fast.  So I was talking myself into a lather with sunstroke and having to be taken out by a stretcher.

But I couldn’t possibly bail on my friend so I sucked it up and went.

First: clearly, I didn’t die.  Second: it was so bleeping awesome.  I face planted in the mud countless times, and my abs hurt not from the exertion, but rather from laughing the entire way.  The other runners, regardless of fitness level, were all encouraging and fun and it felt like a big muddy party.  I couldn’t do two of the huge walls or the monkey bar cargo net, but I tried it all.  I got mud in my eye and my mouth.  And when we came around the bend to the finish line, I was amazed it was already over.  I did it.

Note: mud helps the sunscreen, but dries very fast and feels really creepy.  Oh and the mud in my shoes made the most disgusting sloshing sound when I walked.  And you don’t even want to know about the mud boogers.

Working Girl May 10, 2013

When my oldest was born, I stopped working.  It was for a variety of reasons, none of which I will get into now, but needless to say I have been mostly unemployed since then.  When my youngest started preschool, I started my degree program full time and having a full time, or even a part time permanent position did not work with our family’s schedule.

Yet, over the years I have wanted to contribute to our finances, so I have done many random “jobs.”  Ad writing for an online company through Amazon, ebay sales for friends, organizing and hosting children’s parties, corporate babysitting, regular babysitting- the list of small work goes on and on.  It’s always fun and novel, yet allows me to pursue my studies and keep up on the duties of mother and wife.

So, now that it is summer (for me) I was chomping at the bit to make some extra for our vacation.  I found an ad on craigslist for phone book delivery.  Sounds good to me.  I called and the dude had me come down right away.  Now, I am an intelligent woman, and safe typically- but what I am about to tell you will make my mom’s hair stand on end…sorry, mom!  I go down to a storage unit, in a locked yard, which I have the code for.  The guy I am supposed to meet is there.  Then, upon arrival I see a unit full of men bagging phone books and I meet the guy in charge.  He is standing in front of another unit that has pallets of phone books stacked 4 and ½ feet tall with a space less than 2 feet wide in between.  He invites me to come into his “office,” which involves shimmying past the pallets into the depth of the unit.  Guys, I called a craigslist ad and now am going to get trapped in a storage unit.

Being the smart lady I am, I said, OK! And wiggled my way in.  Ah, it was the light of day and this dude wasn’t the least bit creepy.  Plus he had a really excellent accent, he is from Kentucky.  Shrug.

(It’s probably completely inappropriate for me to joke like this, but I actually didn’t even think about how dumb I was until after.)

After pinpointing my street on a map without street names, I got the job.  Bam!  I may be terrible at geography, but for some reason I am brilliant at map reading.  We filled up my car with over 700 phone books and I got a map route.

Let me just tell you: delivering phone books with an 11 year old kid is the MOST fun ever.  We are like ninjas.  Easy work (except for the moving them into the house to bag and then back to the car- but we have a system and a rolling cart) and pretty mindless, plus I have the opportunity to cruise slowly through neighborhoods I have never been to.  I love looking at houses and throwing things out my window at them is even better.

The job only lasts until all the books have gone out, so a week or two.  But in the meantime, we are having a blast and my husband even likes to play.